


Trial Run

by Elise_Madrid



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Academy Era, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-24
Updated: 2011-05-24
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:15:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_Madrid/pseuds/Elise_Madrid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unless he can pass all their tests, Spock will be refused entry into Starfleet. Failing one, he accepts the help of a young cadet Kirk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trial Run

**Author's Note:**

> When asked to write a story from a list of K/S tropes for the ultimately five volume history of K/S, it wasn’t hard for me to pick the one that’s a particular favorite of mine—Academy stories. Kirk and Spock “Before the Glory.”
> 
> Originally published in Legacy: A Tribute to the 30th Anniversary of K/S - Vol 2 by Beyond Dreams Press (July 2007)

“It has been our way since the time of the beginning.”

 _And so it must always be?_

“For you to do this would bring dishonor, not just to this family but to Vulcan.”

 _Why is it dishonorable to seek my own path?_

“A place has already been found for you.”

 _But it will not be **my** place._

“You cannot refuse; I forbid it.”

Spock raise his head. He had kept it bowed as he listened to Sarek’s diatribe, the one he had known would come once he informed his father of his plans to join Starfleet. He had not been disappointed.

Sarek stood just inside the doorway. His displeasure, his _disapproval_ , would not be easily read by another. But Spock had been on the receiving end of both too many times to be fooled by the placid expression his father wore. There would be no victory here; all Spock could hope for was an uneasy truce.

“I have already been accepted by Starfleet Academy. Would you have me go back on my word to them?”

“You gave something which was not yours to give. I am sure Starfleet will be most cooperative in releasing you from your contract once they have been made aware of your situation.”

“Which situation do you refer to? That I am to be denied the right to pilot the course of my own life?” Spock stood and clasped his hands behind his back, not wanting Sarek to see how little control he had over them. The tremors, slight though they were, he told himself were due to the anger he had often had trouble controlling; there was, after all, nothing to fear. “I had hoped...I had thought you would see the logic in my leaving, you who have been witness to so much that proves my place is not here.”

“You would let those who deny you are Vulcan drive you from your home? Your birthright? I thought I had instilled greater courage in you.”

Spock almost flinched. Since persuasion had clearly not worked, Sarek had turned to using Spock’s own insecurities against him. Now, not only was he not a true Vulcan, he was also a coward. Behind his back, his hands clenched into fists. “I do not fear Vulcan, Father. I fear losing that part of myself which is Vulcan.”

“You speak in riddles.”

He shook his head in that slight movement that had always marked him as not all Vulcan. “You cannot understand what it is to be both Vulcan and human. My biology is both, yet neither. My mind battles against itself, one thought in direct contradiction to the other, and my body hungers for that which no Vulcan’s would.”

“So, you go to Earth to assuage that hunger?”

“No!” Spock bit his lower lip. “No. I do not understand these urges, any more than I understand the thoughts that crowd out the logic I have been taught is the true way. But I will not learn to understand any of this here. I need to comprehend who and what I am.”

“You are Vulcan. And you have it within you to control these aberrations of thought...and appetites,” Sarek added, distastefully.

It was no use. Sarek would never condone his leaving. “I am leaving, Father. Do not try to stop me.”

Sarek gazed at him for long minutes. Finally, he spoke. “You may leave when you wish. I no longer have no son.”

Spock concentrated on his father’s footsteps as Sarek turned and walked away. When all he could hear was his own breath, drawing in and out in a regular and unruffled rhythm, he walked over to the tall wardrobe in the corner. Opening the doors wide, he pulled out the large valise at the bottom and began to pack.

^^^^^

Spock stood at his bedroom window; it would not do to miss the aircar he had hired to take him to the spaceport. His bags sat near the doorway.

It had taken little time; a few change of clothing, even fewer personal items, fit easily into the two pieces of luggage. His absence from this house would barely be noticed.

He lowered his head in shame, knowing how unfair he was being to she who was his mother. He knew she would miss him, no matter that their relationship was only a little less complicated than that with his father. But she, at least, had tried to understand that he was not as others were and that he was more than a marred copy of Sarek. She had always tried, struggling to understand even as that understanding slipped away, her son becoming more alien to her as the years went by.

In his mind’s eye he saw himself as he had been as a very small boy, the human side of him still strong enough for him to fall prey to her warm embraces and words of comfort. Even then he had known to hide such lapses from his disapproving father. His mother had been an uneasy ally and coconspirator; no matter what her husband wished, she had never found the strength to push Spock away. So, when the day had come when _he_ had found the strength, he had watched as dawning realization dimmed the light in her eyes. He had been six years old.

Wounded, his mother had embraced the Vulcan ideal of child rearing and retreated behind a wall almost as impenetrable as Sarek’s. Yet, at times, especially when she knew he was dealing with a particularly unpleasant experience, Spock would see the battle she fought within herself.

Still, as he grew his rejection of her created an ever-widening gulf between them. The loss of her love, or at least the manifestation of it, felt like a limb abruptly severed; though gone, he’d felt the phantom ache for years. He had often wondered if she felt the same.

He and his mother had become near strangers but he had his father’s approval—until now.

“You are leaving?”

He straightened at the sound of his mother’s voice. “I must.”

She stood at the doorway, almost in the same space his father had only recently vacated. She hesitantly approached, but stopped well back from his position. “Why? Why must you go?”

“Mother, you more than any other should be aware of my reasons.”

“I understand that you think your father isn’t proud of you. He is, though, very proud. Right now, he’s been hurt, that’s all.”

Spock turned and stared at her.

“Don’t look at me that way. I know you think I don’t know what I’m talking about. That, being human, how _could_ I know? But I know about emotions, Spock, more than you or your father. You can call it anything you want, couch it in terms of logic so you don’t have to face what it is, but it doesn’t change anything. You’ve spent all these years hurting one another just so you can both deny what you feel.”

He stiffened again. She didn’t know him; she didn’t know him at all. And she was still looking for the human son she’d lost so many years before. “Then it would behoove us both for me to depart and end this needless discomfort.”

“Oh, Spock.” She shook her head, dejectedly. “I don’t understand any of this.”

He saw the aircar pull up to the front of the house. “It is time.”

“Will you ever come back?”

He didn’t give her an answer; he didn’t have one to give. Instead, he moved to her side and lightly touched her face. The emotions he had always associated with her skittered across his mind, leaving a mental impression he could hold and take with him. But he left nothing behind.

^^^^^

Spock’s gaze never deviated from the view of space afforded by the small window next to his seat. The fascination he felt was only partly due to its incomprehensible expanse. He had found a place near the back and, alone and undisturbed, waited out the hours to Earth by staring at the silent and dark vista while contemplating his future.

He had tried to sleep, twice in the three days that had been his journey, making use of one of the small sleeping chambers set up for the passengers. But each time he had been unable to sleep, his thoughts on his coming ordeal interrupting his rest as his own mind frantically hunted for resolution.

Starfleet had accepted his application, but there was no guarantee he would pass the series of rigorous tests awaiting him as a precursor to being confirmed as a member of that organization. Many didn’t. And while he had no doubts concerning his academic qualifications, he was well aware that there was more to gaining a position in Starfleet than how much one knew. There were those hazy and insubstantial qualities spoken of by his contact, qualities he feared he might not possess.

What would he do if he was ultimately rejected? Where would he go? Vulcan? No, his life on Vulcan was over. There was no going back.

So, there was only forward. But if not Starfleet, where? He had enough credits to sustain him for four point five Earth months; after that, try as he might he couldn’t imagine what lay ahead. His future stretched out before him a black and unknowable chasm.

“May I get you something to drink?”

He looked up into the studied warmth of the attendant. He was still somewhat unnerved by the artifice so easily practiced by the people of Earth. The smile on her face, framed by the halo of yellow hair, reminded him of the pictures he had seen of human dolls, their faces frozen into a rictus of false emotion. “No, but I would appreciate knowing how soon we will reach Earth orbit.”

“Not for another three hours.” She glanced at the small compad she carried. “I see you didn’t order anything for lunch. Are you sure I can’t bring you anything?”

“Quite sure.” He saw the smile slip slightly. He had displeased her, somehow, yet she hid it behind an air of friendliness. Then, he remembered. “Thank you.”

“All right, but if you change your mind press the overhead button and I’ll be right over.”

She moved off to the next passenger and Spock returned to his perusal of the stars, but he couldn’t help but think of what had just transpired. It had never occurred to him that emotions could be used to conceal as well as reveal.

What now occurred to him was how ill-equipped he truly was to deal with the people he had never thought of as his. That part of him that was of his mother had been stunted by its ruthless suppression. Would its crippled remains be enough to see him through?

^^^^^

 

“I’ve seen your transcripts. To say we’re glad to have you would be an understatement.”

Spock nodded his head, not sure if he was supposed to say anything or not. The interview had not gone as he’d expected and he felt out of his depth.

“You do know that your grades are in the top one percentile, don’t you?”

“Yes, I am aware of it.”

“You don’t sound especially proud of the fact.” There was puzzlement in the man’s voice.

“Mr. Salazar-”

“Call me Tom.” The wide face broke into a grin. “I try to keep things between me and my students on a less formal basis.”

“But I will not be a student here. I was informed that I would only be here long enough to ascertain my qualifications for a Starfleet posting.”

“Oh, I know. But still...” The man spread his hands in appeal.

“Very well. Tom. Pride is not...” He faltered. How did he go about making this man understand what so many years had failed to make a woman living among Vulcans understand? He saw no sense in even trying. “I accept what my diligence has achieved. I now only need to know if it will be enough to secure me a place in Starfleet.”

The man coughed and looked back at the terminal screen. “Most of the tests you’ll need to take are those specifically for ship placement.” He looked back at Spock. “You did request stationing on a ship, didn’t you?”

“That is correct.” He hesitated briefly before asking the question that had been uppermost on his mind. “I was made cognizant of the fact that there are certain omissions in my training. What will happen if the outcome of these tests is not completely satisfactory?”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Even if you don’t pass the first time, you’ll be allowed to take a make-up test.”

“I see. And if I were to fail that one?”

Salazar grimaced and gave a slight shrug. “Ah, that wouldn’t be in your best interest by any means. But you could always try again in six months. Look,” he leaned forward, readjusting his considerable bulk and rested his arms on the desk. “Starfleet is very interested in having a Vulcan on one of its ships. So, any help you need, for anything, you just let me know and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Because I am a Vulcan?”

“Well, no, not just because of that. I’m your counselor, it’s my job to help cadets get through their time here as easily as possible. I know you’re only going to be with us for a little while but I’d still like to help if I can.”

“I will endeavor to keep that in mind.”

“Good, that’s good.” Salazar stood up and pressed one of the buttons on his terminal. “I’ll have one of the cadets show you to your room. The rooms are small but more than adequate. You’re just lucky you got here when you did. Another few days and the place will be a ghost town.”

Spock also rose. “Ghost town?”

Salazar laughed. “I meant the place will be deserted. Spring break starts at the end of the week and most of the cadets go home. But I’m sure you’ll be through the tests and on your way to a ship by then.” He led Spock to the door, opening it as he ushered him out to the reception area.

“A runner should be here in a second. Ah, there he is,” he added, as a boy about eighteen Earth years approached them. “Wilson, take our guest to dorm 5E, room 704.”

“Yes, sir.” The young man saluted and then turned toward Spock. “This way, sir.”

“It’s easy to lose your way around here, so make sure to stick close to Wilson. And remember, Spock,” Salazar had started back into his office but stopped at the entrance, “you need anything, you know where to come.”

Spock looked at him for a moment and then picked up his bags and fell in behind the cadet.

^^^^^

Spock could almost wish he had put off his departure another week; the dormitory he was led to was noisy, chaotic and filled with aggressive humans who did little to hide their curiosity. He did his best to ignore the obvious stares, though he couldn’t help glancing through the open doorways they passed on his way to his room. Obviously, humans were not the only beings afflicted with curiosity.

“Here you are, sir.” Wilson opened the door in front of him and stepped back.

The counselor had not lied. The room barely held the two beds, chest of drawers and small desk that comprised its furnishing. Evidently, its use was relegated to sleep and study and little else. Spock could only hope there would be no roommate.

Wilson had followed him into the room. “You’ll have the place to yourself. Garrett’s already left for the break and McKinney didn’t make the grade.”

Spock’s eyebrows came together. “‘Make the grade’?”

“Sorry. He flunked...failed the courses.”

“I see.” He imagined the percentage of cadets who did not make it through the curriculum was rather high. He only hoped he didn’t end up in their number.

“If you need anything else, just let me know. I’m down the hall from here, five rooms over.” Wilson pointed to his left. “Well, good luck, sir.”

“Thank you,” Spock responded to the already disappearing figure, though he didn’t think luck would have anything to do with whether he passed or not. Pushing that thought away, he proceeded to unpack some of his belongings. The next day would be taken up with more forms and tests and the day after would hopefully bring him his results. He saw no need to prepare for a longer stay.

The sounds from the hallway only slightly interrupted his concentration, but once he’d finished his unpacking, storing his luggage in the closet he hadn’t at first noticed, he realized the noise would not be conducive to meditation. It had been over a day since he had had the time to reorder his thoughts and the peace and quiet of his inner-mind called to him.

He moved to close the door but found himself standing at the doorway instead, intrigued by the Terrans’ methods of socialization. He could hear laughter coming from the room next door and several of the cadets roamed from room to room, as if there was no ‘mine’ or ‘yours,’ only ‘ours.’ Two doors down, a boy, clad in his underwear, leaned against the doorjamb and watched him. The look was not a threatening one, more a mixture of curiosity and openness. Spock nodded his head in acknowledgment and the boy smiled back.

Spock knew little of smiles; he only vaguely remembered those of his mother’s. They had disappeared along with everything else that stamped her as human. Yet somehow he knew the smile he had just received was not one often given. Not just of his mouth, the smile shone forth from the boy’s eyes, yet there was a tempered eagerness to it, as if the bestower was afraid his gift would not be accepted. Spock did not wish to give that impression but he had no idea how to go about conveying that. And he had no gift to give in return.

He saw the enthusiasm begin to die in the boy’s eyes. Spock took a step forward and just as he was about to speak a voice issued from the boy’s room.

“Jim, will you give me a hand with this?”

The boy gave him another smile, tinged with regret this time, and disappeared into the room behind him.

Spock stared at the empty space for a short while, then reentered his room and closed the door behind him.

^^^^^

Spock filled in his last answer and turned away from his terminal. He knew this to be the final test in a long string of tests which had taken up most of his time the last two days. He was gratified to know it was over.

The instructor at the front of the room looked up and, seeing he had stopped working, got up from her chair and approached Spock’s desk.

“Is there a problem, Mr. Spock?”

“I have completed the test.”

She gave him an odd look. “That tests usually takes over two hours. Are you sure you don’t want to check your work?”

Spock studied her for a moment. He was getting better at reading the humans’ facial expression and hers was telling him that, though she was surprised at his quickness, suspicion had no place in her assessment of him. “I do not believe that will be necessary. My answers are the correct ones.”

“As long as you’re sure...” She leaned over his shoulder to look at the screen and quickly scanned through the test form. After a few moments she added in a code at the bottom. “There, that will show that you’ve completed all the required tests. You finished in record time, Mr. Spock.”

“Do you know know how soon it will be before I am informed of my test results?”

“Oh, not until you’ve completed them all.”

Spock gave her a puzzled look. “I was under the impression I just did.”

“Oh,” she brought her hand up to her mouth, “I’m sorry. I meant this was the last written test. You still need to take the physical exams.”

“I can assure you, I am in perfect health.”

She laughed. “There’s a little more to it than that. Starfleet requires that you be proficient in several different disciplines: self defense, survival skills, swimming, certain aerobics-”

“Swimming?”

“Yes. You do know how to swim, don’t you?”

“Only rudimentarily. There is not an urgent need for such a skill on my planet.”

“Well, I’m not sure how proficient they expect you to be.” She twisted her mouth to one side, clearly giving it some thought. Finally, she shrugged. “There’s not much to be done about it now; the tests are scheduled for tomorrow. All you can do is hope you’re good enough.”

“That does not seem an adequate countermeasure,” he responded.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Spock. I don’t know what else to suggest.”

“Perhaps I could enhance my skills with practice; there is a pool nearby, is there not?”

She gave him a pitying look. “You’ve only got one day. What can you do in one day?”

He took his leave of her then, his destination the academy swimming pool. He did not understand why she thought he would need more time. Either he would learn the skill or he would not. That it the way it had always been; he saw no reason to think this time would be any different.

^^^^^

“There is no logic to this.” Spock sat rigidly in his chair, unable to meet the eyes of the man across from him.

“I’m sorry, Spock. I know it doesn’t make any sense to you; you’ll be on a starship, not a seagoing vessel. But there could be times when you’d need the skill while on a landing party.”

Spock tightened his lips. His control was too precarious to attempt a response.

Salazar spread his hands in appeal. “You’ve got ten days. Find yourself someone who’d be willing to help you and I’m sure you won’t have any trouble passing the test next time. You passed all the rest of them with flying colors.”

Try as he might, Spock couldn’t think of what that meant. Had he barely passed or done well? Truthfully, at this point he didn’t care. The chasm he’d managed to not contemplate was threatening to swallow him whole; all that lay between him and it was one test. It was imperative that he pass. “How would I go about finding such a person?”

“You might post a message on the cadet’s message board; there’s a link to it on the Academy site. Or, you can do it the old fashioned way and leave a note tacked to the board in the hall outside the cafeteria. Oddly enough, more of the cadets go that route. And since most of them will be gone by the end of the day, it’s probably the only place the remaining cadets will see it.”

Spock gave a short nod. “Very well, I will do as you say.” He rose and allowed Salazar to lead him to the office door, though the hand on his back was an uncomfortable intrusion.

“You’ll let me know if you have any trouble finding someone, okay?”

“I shall.”

“Listen, Spock, I know you’re worried about this but lots of cadets have to take some of the tests twice and they have the advantage of already knowing what’s involved. It’s best if you think of the first one as a trial run; you did okay but next time you’ll do better.”

“I will attempt to do so.” He hesitated, unsure of what he would do next. How exactly did one word such a request for aid? On Vulcan, he would have gone to the person most proficient at that particular endeavor. For the person to refuse to help him would be unthinkable. Here, not only did he not know who was the most proficient but he had already surmised that, as far as aid given, he could not assume it would be forthcoming.

“Would you like me to write something for you?” Salazar asked kindly.

“I...perhaps that would be best.”

Salazar walked back to his desk. He grabbed a small square of paper and quickly scribbled something on it. He turned to Spock and handed him the note. “Here. It’s getting close to lunch time, so you’ve got the perfect excuse. Pin this up on the board on your way into the cafeteria.”

Spock took his leave of the counselor and made his way down the long concourse that was the Academy grounds. Ten minutes later he entered the building where the cafeteria was housed. He had been here before, having found no other establishment less expensive at which to eat, yet he was still having trouble getting used to the volume of noise humans created while supposedly eating. Even from the outer hall, the din from the dining area was impressive.

Posting the note to the board, Spock approached the double doors leading into the cafeteria. Disconcerted, he realized it was now exactly noon and a great many of the cadets had just let out from classes. The lines for ordering one’s meal all stretched back several meters. He walked over to the nearest one and took his place at the end to wait his turn.

He passed the time by watching the humans around him. He found them fascinating and oddly compelling. They were ostensibly free to do and say what they pleased, yet so often they tended to camouflage their true intentions in a language Spock didn’t know if he’d ever understand.

Ten minutes later he chose his meal and then found an empty table toward the back of the room. While he ate, Spock continued his study of his mother’s people. That’s when he saw him.

The boy, the one from the dormitory, sat two tables away. He was with several other cadets and hadn’t noticed Spock, perhaps because his attention was being equally divided between his food and a book propped open on his lap. Though surrounded by others, the boy seemed alone.

Spock understood that well enough. He had lived on a planet populated almost exclusively by his own kind, yet the impression of being apart, not one with his companions, had never left him.

“Put the book away, Cadet Kirk. You’re making us all look bad.”

The voice sounded familiar, and Spock recognized it as the same one that had issued from the boy’s dorm room.

The boy, no, “Kirk,” closed the book on two fingers and looked up at his harasser. Spock found it odd that Kirk was smiling.

“The only reason you’ll look bad, Gary, is because you don’t bother to study.”

“Wouldn’t matter if he did or not,” another cadet at the table spoke up. “All he has to do is bat those big, brown eyes of his at his counselor and she fixes it right up for him.”

“You’re going to need all this someday.” Kirk lifted his book to eye level for a moment. “It’s not like you can pull the information out of a computer with your mind.”

“Don’t worry about me, Jim, my man, Gary Mitchell always finds a way.” Mitchell looked up at the chronometer on the wall. “Anyway, time to go.”

Kirk stuck a piece of paper into his book and rose. “Professor Matthews will be giving us back our test results today. I hope I did all right.”

“You,” Mitchell moved over to Kirk’s side and threw his arm around his shoulders. “probably aced it, adding yet another reason why a lot of the guys around here can’t stand you. Right, guys?”

The rest agreed, though Spock assumed it was an example of what humans referred to as humor since Kirk did not seem offended by it but, rather, joined in the rather loud bantering which followed.

There was no explanation for Kirk looking his way when he did, yet his eyes seemed to find Spock’s unerringly. For a moment, Spock felt as if an invitation had been offered, one he didn’t know if he should accept. Then, the moment passed and no one else seemed to notice the nervous grin Kirk threw Spock’s way before turning and departing with his companion.

^^^^^

 

Spock hauled himself out of the pool and looked back into the water with distaste. He had spent all of the previous day trying to become adept at this particular skill with little or no success. Today, so far, had proved no better.

He considered his options as he toweled himself dry. As he had feared, no one had stepped forward to offer their services, and he had found the instructions in the Academy manual next to useless; his body seemed unable to translate the words into the correct motions. It went against all his Vulcan sensibilities to terminate the attempt, yet he couldn’t help but think that, if he continued on this course of action, he was doomed to fail.

What was he doing wrong? And would rereading the instructions aid his progress? Knowing he was only doing it so as not to have to admit defeat, Spock retraced his steps back to the bench where he’s laid the manual, only to come to a complete stop after barely two steps. Sitting on the bench, the slightly damp book in his hand, sat Kirk. His head down as he read, his forearms were propped against his thighs while the manual rested loosely in his hands. He slowly turned a page and then looked up at Spock’s approach.

“Hi.” he looked around Spock at the pool. “I think you’re doing it wrong.”

“Indeed.” Spock took a seat next to him. “How do you know this?”

“I’ve been watching you. Your kick is off, which is probably why you’re having so much trouble with your balance.”

“My balance? I was under the impression that the water was supposed to support me.”

“Sorry. Balance in swimming refers to being able to perform all the movements around a natural point of buoyancy. But looking at this,” he leaned toward Spock and pointed to one of the pages, “they’re not taking into account the fact that yours is probably different.”

Spock took the book and reread the section Kirk was referring to. “I believe you are correct. It is not logical that Starfleet would devise a means of instruction beneficial to only one specific species.”

“No, it’s not. But there aren’t a lot of non-human cadets; you’re the first I’ve ever seen.”

“Is that why you were watching me?” Spock felt the same rush of bitterness he had experienced so often on Vulcan. He was not as they were; he was separate.

Something must have shown on his face. Perhaps the same thing his father had ever been able to detect, because Kirk’s eyes went suddenly wide.

“No! That’s not what I meant. I...” A blush stole over the human’s face. “I like the way you look, that’s all,” Kirk mumbled.

That was the last thing Spock would have thought to hear. “The way I look?”

“Yeah.” The human shrugged and gave a shamefaced smile. “So sue me.”

Spock’s eyebrows rose. “I beg your pardon?”

The smile became a full grin. “It’s just an expression. It means it doesn’t matter if you like it or not, I’m still going to like you.” Kirk became suddenly serious. “I do, you know. Like you. I have since the first time I saw you in the hall. Don’t ask me how or why because I couldn’t tell you. But haven’t you ever met someone and known from that very first moment that there could be something really special between you?”

Spock thought back to that moment, and his instinctive move toward the boy he’d never met before. “Perhaps.”

Kirk only nodded and grew quiet. The silence between them was comfortable and Spock saw no need to break it. They sat for a time, the sounds made by the other occupants of the gym washing over them but leaving them undisturbed. From time to time Spock would glance over at his companion; sometimes Kirk would be watching him, sometimes not.

Spock knew there was something the human wished to tell him. Whatever it was, he would wait as long as it took. Finally, as if coming to a decision, Kirk ducked his head and looked at Spock through a fan of lashes, a small, square note between two fingers. “So, I hear you’re looking for a swimming coach.”

^^^^^

 

“Come on, pull your feet up! Don’t kick so hard. Use the technique I showed you!” Kirk ran along the side of the pool, extorting his new friend on. After only one day, he’d made a lot of progress but they had a way to go.

Kirk had been surprised at how readily has offer of help had been accepted. He had always imagined Vulcans to be more reserved. And though this particular one was, there was also an underlying intensity, maybe even enthusiasm, that was both endearing and oddly seductive.

They’d introduced themselves to each other and then made plans to meet the following morning. Kirk had just come from his last class before break, so he was free for the next ten days, which was three more days than Spock had to improve his swimming skills. Spock. Kirk grinned as he tried to keep up with his friend; to think this time yesterday, he hadn’t known his name.

From the moment he’d seen the Vulcan in the dorm hallway he’d wanted to know who the exotic-looking being was who just happen to be staying in the room down the hall from his. Wanted to know enough to spend the two weeks of spring break at the Academy rather than return home. It wasn’t as if there was anyone there waiting for him anyway.

“You’re still kicking too wide! Narrow it!”

Spock stopped dead in the water. “This is not working.”

“You were doing fine during the drills.” Kirk walked over to where he’d left his gym bag on one of the benches running along the wall. He rummaged through it until he managed to locate his watch at the bottom. “It’s almost fourteen hundred hours. Maybe we should take a break, I’m getting hungry.”

“If you wish to leave, do so. Do not feel you must inconvenience yourself on my account.”

Kirk looked at the Vulcan in exasperation. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. You’re trying too hard and it shows. You need to give it a rest. The fact that it’s an hour after my lunch time is a mere coincidence,” he added sarcastically.

Spock didn’t look too happy about it but he seemed to realize the truth of what Kirk was saying because he started toward the edge of the pool. Kirk was waiting for him with a towel as he climbed up out of the water.

“Where’s your bag?”

“I checked it with the attendant since I do not, as yet, have a locker,” Spock responded as he dried himself off as best he could. “I was not aware that it was permissible to bring it into the swimming area.”

“You’re not supposed to.” Kirk gave a guilty smile. “My regular bag is in my locker. This one’s just for the stuff I want to keep with me, like towels.”

Spock handed back the towel. “I will remember that. Meanwhile, I will retrieve my bag and meet you in front of the locker room in approximately eighteen point seven minutes.”

“I’ll time you.” Seeing the look on Spock’s face, Kirk laughed. “It’s a joke. Go get your bag.”

Fifteen minutes later, showered and dressed, Kirk found himself waiting outside the locker room for Spock. He leaned up against the wall, idly watching the other cadets come and go, waving to those he knew, giving a friendly smile to those he didn’t. He saw two men appear at the entrance and was surprised to see they were Vulcan. Odd, all this time he hadn’t run into one alien, and now he was bumping into them left and right. He’d have to tell Spock he wasn’t the only Vulcan trying to enter Starfleet after all.

Five minutes passed. Then ten. Kirk frowned. It didn’t seem a very Vulcan-like thing to do, being late. He let another five minutes pass before he reentered the locker room and started looking for his friend.

It wasn’t very crowded, which made Kirk’s search easier. Going up and down the aisles of lockers, he called out Spock’s name, getting more than one odd look for his troubles. Spock wasn’t anywhere around.

Kirk finally went to the front desk and asked if Spock had retrieved his bag. He had, so Kirk knew he’d got that far. He asked around, stopping those coming and going to ask if they’d seen the Vulcan. No one had, or couldn’t remember seeing him. Which was strange in itself. Spock wasn’t someone easily overlooked if he passed you by.

He continued to look for another ten minutes, both inside and out, and with each passing minute he felt his spirits drop. The Vulcan was nowhere to be found; it was as if he’d vanished into thin air. Kirk was having a hard time not thinking it was personal, that maybe he’d done something to upset Spock, said the wrong thing or demanded more from him than he should.

He knew he had the habit of expecting too much from a person. He’d been called on it more than once, especially by his mother, who seemed to think he was too hard on his friends. But he couldn’t help it; that was who he was. And from even the short amount of time they’d spent together, Kirk had thought he had found a kindred spirit.

Finally, he gave up. His bag slung over his shoulder, Kirk started trudging toward the cafeteria. He still needed to eat, even though he doubted he would actually taste a bit of his food. He was disappointed and, even more, he was hurt. He almost wished he’d never met the Vulcan.

^^^^^

 

Kirk barely noticed his fellow cadets as he trod the path back to his dorm. His meal churned in his stomach, turning his disposition sour. The hurt he’d felt had ripened into anger and the more he thought about it, and at this point he could think of little else, the angrier he got.

What kind of person did such a thing? Bad enough it was just plain rude, but what about all the time Kirk had spent, all the effort he’d put into teaching Spock to swim? Okay, maybe not all that amount of time and effort, but still. Didn’t that count for anything? He could have been doing a dozen different things, top of the list being going home, rather than wasting his time with someone who didn’t even appreciate it.

He was still nursing his anger when he reached the dorm. He took the stairs, he’d found it a good way to let off steam, and exited on his floor. As he approached his door, he couldn’t help but stare at the one further done the hall. It wasn’t very far away. Wouldn’t take more than a minute to check. He grimaced, trying to reject what his mind was telling him to do. Just forget it. Go to your room. Read a book. Anything but walk over to Spock’s room.

His feet apparently weren’t listening because the next thing he knew he was standing at Spock’s door. It was slightly ajar. That was a surprise, as Kirk would have imagined Spock would guard his privacy.

“Spock, you in here?” Kirk hesitantly pushed the door open.

He knew right away that it was now vacant. It looked like the other half dozen or so rooms he’d seen after their residents had been disqualified or found they didn’t have what it took to stay. The bed was precisely made: sheets tucked tight, pillow plumped. Dresser drawers closed.

Kirk walked over to the closet and opened the doors. His mouth drew into a tight line. Empty. That coward hadn’t even had the guts to stay. He’d run off, throwing away any chance at starship duty just because he didn’t have the nerve to face Kirk. He was glad the Vulcan was gone.

But that wasn’t true, was it? Everything he felt told him that the Vulcan wasn’t like that, that Kirk’s initial impression of him had been true. Kirk sighed as his anger fizzled. He’d always prided himself on his ability to read people. He couldn’t believe he had been that wrong. Why had Spock left? He supposed he’d never know.

He exited the room, reluctantly closing the door behind him. Almost to his own door he turned to take one more look. Finally, he shook his head and entered his room. Gary had left that morning for Vegas; he’d have the place to himself.

He closed the door and turned to find the Vulcan sitting on his bed. Two bags Kirk presumed were Spock’s were placed just inside.

“What are you doing here?”

Spock unfolded himself from the cross-legged position he’d assumed and stood. “I wished to speak to you.”

Kirk walked over to the bed opposite his own and sat down. He started removing his shoes and socks. “You might have said something before you disappeared.”

“I regret the rather clandestine method I utilized but, I assure you, it was necessary.”

Motioning to Spock to sit back down, Kirk continued to change. He pulled off his tunic and snagged the t-shirt draped across the foot of his bed.

Spock watched his motions with interest. “I assumed the Academy would insist the rooms be kept in order.”

Kirk gave him a look before pulling the t-shirt over his head. “I’m on vacation. As far as I’m concerned I can put things wherever I want.” He stood and pulled his trousers off. Grabbing his discarded tunic, he walked over to the closet and threw both items into the hamper. “But even I’ve got my limits.”

He pulled out a pair of Levi's and put them on. “I thought you were going to tell me something.”

“It is regarding my precipitous departure from the gymnasium.”

Kirk finished buttoning the fly of his Levi's and bent down to collect his shoes. He returned to where he’d been sitting and started to put them on. “Go on.”

“An unexpected development arose which made it impossible for me to meet you at the appointed location. It also has made it impossible for me to continue our lessons.”

“Without the lessens, you won’t pass the test. You won’t get into Starfleet.”

Spock stood and walked over to the tiny window located between the two beds. He looked out, his attention obviously divided between Kirk and whatever was out there.

“Are you running from something?” Kirk softly asked.

“In a way.” Spock pressed his lips together. He appeared to be gathering his thoughts before responding. “As you, yourself, have noted, I am the only Vulcan at the Academy. And even I am not a cadet, but here only because Starfleet wished to test me before making their final decision. There is a reason for this. I will not go into the entire sociopolitical rationale behind it. Suffice to say that my coming here was not done with the approval of those with authority over me.” He looked back at Kirk. “I fear they may have sent someone to force me to return to Vulcan.”

“Can they do that? I mean, I wouldn’t think Starfleet would have accepted your application if they thought you weren’t old enough. Either that, or they would have insisted on your parents’ signature on the application, like they did on mine.”

“I doubt Starfleet would be notified. In any event, as I was about to rejoin you, I saw two Vulcans waiting near the entrance to the swimming area. It could be mere coincidence, but I doubt it. Not do I wish to test that notion.”

“I saw them. I wondered about it, too.” Kirk grinned. “You crossed the grounds wearing only your trunks?”

Spock’s eyebrows flew up. “Indeed not. I did not wish to call attention to myself. I merely walked to the next building and made use of the facilities there.”

“So, now what?”

“I do not know. I still have some credits; perhaps I shall book passage to one of the colonies, remain hidden until they grow tired of looking for me. Then, if Starfleet is still willing to accept me....”

Kirk didn’t like that idea at all. “Listen, why don’t you come home with me? There’s still ten days of break left and there’s a place to swim there, it’s even been warm enough, so we could continue your lessons. We could come back in a week when your retesting is scheduled, and maybe they’d have given up and gone away.”

“I would not wish to burden you in such a way.”

“It’s not a burden. I told you,” Kirk smiled. “I really like you. Besides, I wouldn’t want Starfleet to lose the services of someone I know will make a great officer.”

Spock seemed to want to go along, yet continued to resist. “Would not your family find my presence unsettling?”

“Why would they? Anyway, they won’t be there. Sam, my brother, is doing his grad work on Vega IX and my mom’s gone to help her sister care for her sister’s daughter and new kid. We’d have the place to ourselves...well, practically. My mom asked one of our neighbors to feed the horses, but we won’t even know he’s there. Come on,” Kirk poured every ounce of charm he possessed into his words. “What do you say?”

The Vulcan hesitated a moment longer before finally giving a quick nod. “Very well.”

Kirk whooped in glee. He got up and got his bag out of the closet. “This will only take a few minutes,” he assured as he grabbed the few things he’d need and stuffed them into the valise. He looked up at Spock. “You said you had some credits, right?”

“That is correct.”

“Good. I’ve got enough to get us from the Des Moines station home, but you’ll have to buy your own transporter ticket.”

“That will be acceptable.”

Kirk zipped up his bag. “All set. Let’s get out of here.”

Spock hesitated. “Perhaps it would be best to wait until nightfall. My presence does seem to be rather conspicuous.”

Kirk hadn’t thought about that. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He put his bag next to Spock’s by the door and then went back to sit on the bed. He looked up at the Vulcan. “You might as well get comfortable. We’ve got lots of time to kill.” He smiled at the look Spock gave him. They had a lot to learn about each other. Kirk knew he was going to enjoy every minute of it.

^^^^^

 

The time had passed quickly. Around dinnertime, Kirk had gone to a nearby store for something to eat; he didn’t dare try to sneak out enough food for both of them from the Academy cafeteria. Oddly, they hadn’t talked as much as Kirk had thought they would, but the stretches of silence were comfortable and he had found himself becoming more attracted to the Vulcan as the hours passed.

Like now, as Spock caught him staring once again.

“Why do you stare?”

Kirk’s only answer was a shrug. Then, to divert his friend, he asked his own question. “How come you want to join Starfleet so badly?”

“That is an odd question coming from one enrolled at the Academy.”

“Then you want to command a starship?”

“Is that what you desire to do?”

“God, yes, since I was five or six, I think. My dad was in Starfleet. He’s dead now,” he added in a lowered voice.

“I grieve with thee,” Spock intoned.

“Thanks.” Kirk pushed away the depression he still felt at the mention of his father, even after so many years. “It was a long time ago.”

“You wish to emulate him.”

“I guess. He didn’t command a starship but he was a great captain.”

“As you shall be,” Spock pronounced.

“You think so?” Kirk asked, trying not to sound too anxious. Most of the time he thought so, too, but every so often a seed of doubt would creep in.

“Yes, I do. Your willingness to come to my aid, to take the responsibility of another without question, your ability to sway others to your way of thinking, whether they wish to or not,” Spock added with a raised eyebrow, “are all qualities of leadership.”

Kirk colored slightly and grinned. “I suppose I do tend to push when I want something.”

“You do, indeed.”

“You still haven’t answered my question, though. Why do you want to be in Starfleet?”

Spock didn’t seem to have to think about it. “There is a great deal to discover about the universe, a great deal to experience. In no other place would I be able to have those experiences to the degree I would on a starship.”

“Then you want to be a science officer.”

“That is my wish.”

“I think you’ll be a great science officer,” Kirk responded, then glanced at the chronometer. “As much as I’d like to continue this mutual admiration society, it’s time to go. Our beam out time is twenty hundred hours and I wanted to give us plenty of time to get there.”

He got up and went to the door. Opening it slightly, he peeked out to make sure no one was around. “It’s all clear. Come on,” he motioned to Spock, “let’s go.”

They grabbed their gear and slipped out of the room and to the nearby stairwell. The hurried down the steps and at the bottom the process was repeated. Finally, they cautiously started away from the building.

This time of year the sun was still out, though quickly making its way below the horizon. With most of the cadets gone they were the only two around, which seemed to give an ominous air to the gathering twilight. The campus appeared even more immense than usual, and Kirk felt completely exposed as he and Spock hurried along the walkway. He quickened his pace as they neared the Academy’s boundaries.

“Where are we going?” Spock asked in a hushed tone.

“I thought a taxi might stick out like a sore thumb and be remembered, so I told them to pick us up a couple of blocks from the campus.”

“I see.” Spock hesitated. “‘Sore thumb’?”

“Another expression. It sort of makes sense; if your thumb is sore, you tend to stick it out.” Kirk chuckled. “Hell, I don’t know where it came from.”

“Your people seem to have many of these obscure expressions.”

“And I suppose Vulcans don’t?”

Spock tilted his head to the side, giving the question some thought. “There are words from ancient times, little used, that often had more than one meaning, or mean other than what is actually being said, but usually a Vulcan means exactly what he says.”

“Sounds boring,” Kirk teased and then pointed to the vehicle idling half a block away. “There’s our ride.”

The trip to the transporter station took less than fifteen minutes. They rushed inside and were through the queue in ten. In Des Moines there was a delay, their bags having been sent to Detroit. Kirk could feel the tension radiating off his friend as they waited for their luggage to appear, as if Spock expected to be seized any moment and whisked back to Vulcan.

After a harrowing forty-five minutes they managed to escape and snagged one of the taxis outside the terminal. It was an older vehicle—the run to Riverside wasn’t the most popular—but what it lacked in amenities it more than made up for in speed. Less than an hour later, the two of them were deposited in front of the Kirk homestead.

They walked up onto the porch. Kirk retrieved the key from out of the flower pot sitting on the first step, smiled at the look Spock gave him, and let them into the house.

The Vulcan held his tongue longer than Kirk thought he would.

“I do not understand.”

“What?” Kirk motioned Spock toward the kitchen. It’d been hours since their last meal and he was starving.

“What is the point of locking one’s doors if the key to such a lock is left in plain view?”

“The key is coded to only work for me, my brother or my mother,” Kirk responded from in front of the refrigerator, where he was busily pulling out the ingredients for a sandwich. “It was Sam’s idea to make it look and act like an old-fashioned key.”

“That is quite illogical.”

Kirk laughed. “Yeah, but that’s the way we humans are, Spock. You’ll just have to get used to us if you plan on sticking around.” He studied the food in front of him, frowned, and then looked at Spock. “You like peanut butter?”

“I do not know. I have never tasted it.”

“Guess we’ll find out then, won’t we?”

Kirk finished making the sandwiches, pastrami for him, peanut butter for Spock, and poured them both something to drink. They ate at the small table in the kitchen. Spock thought the flavor of peanut butter quite acceptable but he wasn’t enamored of the texture. They cleaned up after themselves and then Kirk led them upstairs.

The room was exactly as he had left it months before, though there was a slight musky smell as if it had only recently been opened.

“What do you think?” Kirk stood in front of the window of his room, trying to get it open. “You think you can put up with sharing this room with me for a week?”

“The room is more than adequate, though I would imagine the sleeping arrangements may be something of a problem.”

Kirk had finally got the window open and turned to Spock. He wasn’t sure if the Vulcan was joking or not. He didn’t appear to be. “Um, I could always sleep in Sam’s old room if you’d prefer to sleep alone.”

Spock appeared surprised. “It is not I who might find the sharing of a bed a problem; rather, it is that my body temperature is higher than yours. It may cause you some discomfort.”

“Sort of like sleeping with a hot water bottle, huh?” Kirk shook his head. “It won’t be a problem, Spock.”

Later, Kirk wondered at his words. The Vulcan was fast asleep, relaxed into the bed in a casual sprawl, while Kirk was wide awake. It wasn’t that there wasn’t enough room. There was. Maybe too much. Because Kirk would have given anything for an excuse to get nearer to the heat Spock had thought would bring him discomfort. In that, Spock had been right; it just wasn’t the kind of discomfort his friend would ever have imagined.

^^^^^

 

Kirk woke to an empty bed. The sun was barely rising but its rays had already worked their way through the thin drapes, something he’d complained about over the years to his mother to no avail. It lightened the room just enough to make sleep impossible.

He heard noises coming from the bathroom down the hall: the toilet seat banging down—he should have warned Spock about that—and then the sound of the shower starting.

Kirk sat up, pulling the sheet up to cover himself to his waist. He’d awakened with a hard-on and thinking about Spock standing naked in the shower was only making it worse. Clad only his his underwear, he felt exposed, as naked as Spock was.

It troubled him, these feelings he had for someone he barely knew. Their intensity even frightened him a little because already, after knowing the Vulcan less than forty-eight hours, he wanted more from him than he’d ever wanted from anyone else.

He’d desired Spock from the first time he’d seen him in the dorm hallway. That was nothing new; his attraction to anyone always came swift and hard. But invariably his looks and charm would get him what he wanted and for a time he’d lose himself in the euphoria of a new relationship until the inevitable boredom set in. Then he’d extricate himself from the situation as gracefully as possible.

He didn’t want that this time. And he felt like a fool for it. He was sixteen for god’s sake, only in his first year at the Academy and on his way to a career he’d planned for practically his entire life. The handful of girls and couple of boys he’d dallied with had been easily let go; he knew that would not be the case with Spock. But given the opportunity to have any sort of relationship with Spock, he already knew he wouldn’t, no, couldn’t, pass it up.

When he heard the water turn off, he got up and hurried to his mother’s room and her private bathroom, snagging his jeans and t-shirt along the way. As much as he wanted the Vulcan, he didn’t think it’d be such a hot idea to let Spock know the direction of his interest, not until he knew that interest was reciprocated.

He hurried through his shower and when he got back to the room it was to find Spock dressed and waiting for him.

“I did not realize you would awaken so soon, or I would have allowed you first use of the facilities.”

“Don’t worry about it. Besides, I’m used to sharing.” Kirk got a clean pair of socks out of his drawer and grabbed his shoes. “But I do have to brush my teeth. If you want, why don’t you go downstairs and get the coffee started?” He turned and looked at Spock. “You do know how, don’t you.”

The Vulcan looked almost offended. “I am sure I am quite capable of deducing the workings of a coffee maker.”

“Okay, okay, just making sure.” He chuckled at Spock’s departing back and then made his own way to the bathroom he’d shared with Sam all his life. Ten minutes later, he was downstairs.

He found that Spock had not only figured out the coffee maker, but was in the process of cooking breakfast. He walked up behind the Vulcan who was busy at the stove.

“Oatmeal?” Kirk groused. “I usually don’t eat much for breakfast. Coffee and toast usually does it.”

“You will need added nourishment if we are to continue my lessons.”

Kirk moved over to where the coffee maker had just finished brewing. He gave Spock an inquiring look. The Vulcan shook his head no, so Kirk poured himself a cup and took a seat at the breakfast table. “I was thinking we’d skip today. I sort of wanted to show you the farm.”

Spock thought about it a moment. “That should be acceptable. While I am still in need of your expertise, I feel mastery of the skill should take no more than three point seven of your days.”

“Great.” Kirk propped his feet on one of the chairs. “Ever rode a horse, Spock?”

 

^^^^^

 

“And this is where you’ll be getting your lessons.”

They sat astride the two horses Kirk had picked out for them that morning. Spock had attempted to demure; the idea of using an animal as a beast of burden went against all his Vulcan sensibilities. But Kirk had insisted, pointing out that walking the length and breadth of the farm was out of the question. Before them, a small inlet cut into the land from the river that flowed nearby.

Spock studied the water. It would be cold but, he assumed, tolerable. Perhaps he should make sure. With great care, he dismounted and began to untie the blanket rolled up and tied to the saddle.

“What are you doing?” Kirk asked.

“I wish to ascertain the ambient temperature of the water,” he replied as he removed his shoes and socks and tucked them into the bag slung across his saddle.

“Hey, watch where you put your stuff; your lunch is in that bag. And I can already tell you it’s cold, but I think you’ll be able to handle it. ”

“I wish to make sure.” He tugged his tunic off and placed it across the saddle, then slipped off his pants and underwear and lay them on top. Naked, the blanket clutched in one hand, he began walking gingerly across the river rock.

“Wait!” Kirk slid off his horse. “You shouldn’t go in alone.”

Spock turned at the water’s edge. “You said there was no danger.”

“There isn’t, but you never know what might happen. Just wait, okay? There’s a better place, over there where it’s deeper and you don’t have to deal with the rocks. Come on, I’ll show you.”

Leading both horses, Kirk took a path off to the right that disappeared into the trees.

He went slow so that Spock, barefoot and wrapped in the blanket, had no trouble following. It took only a few minutes to reach the open area Kirk spoke of. Not more than fifty feet long, it hugged this side of the inlet, yet was hidden from view by the thick stand of trees that appeared to follow both sides of the river.

Kirk tied up the horses and began to undress.

“That is not necessary. I do not plan to be in the water any length of time. You may wait here if you wish,” Spock stated as he removed the blanket from around his waist and spread it out on the grass.

“Oh, no, I’m not planning on going in. But if anything bad happens and I do have to go in, I don’t want to have to ride back to the house sopping wet.” Kirk finished removing his clothes except for his briefs, then took a seat on Spock’s blanket. “I’m going to wait right here.”

“Very well.” Spock edged over to the water, took a deep breath, and jumped in.

His breath left him in a violent whoosh. The water was frigid but, luckily for him, not very deep. He shot to the surface and took a gulp of air.

“You okay in there?” Kirk asked with a grin on his face.

“You deliberately led me to believe the water temperature was tolerable.” Spock swam the short distance back to the bank and pulled himself out. He tried not to shiver as he walked over to where Kirk sat.

“Here.” Kirk threw what must have been his own blanket at Spock. “It won’t be so bad once you dry off.”

He briskly rubbed himself dry. Kirk was correct. His body quickly returned to its normal temperature once he was no longer wet. He sat on the blanket next to Kirk and then lay back and closed his eyes, appreciating the heat radiating from the midday sun. Kirk had informed him that it had been an unusually mild winter for this part of the country. Normally it would have been too cold to swim, but spring had followed the previous season’s lead and the days had grown increasingly warm. Spock was gratified that the more temperate weather still prevailed.

It was so quiet out here; Spock hadn’t experienced this level of silence since leaving Vulcan. He felt a pang of loss. He had not understood until this moment just how much he had lost. He pushed the thought away. Better to appreciate the here and now: here, with Kirk, who he found pleasing to be with. He opened his eyes to find Kirk staring at him. But not at his face.

“Why do you stare?”

Kirk jumped and his face went beet red. “I’m sorry,” he stammered, “it’s just that I, well, I didn’t know it would look different.”

Spock came up on one elbow. “You are referring to my genitalia?”

If it were possible, Kirk turned even redder. “Just your, ah, just your cock.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your penis. It’s different from mine.”

Spock tilted his head, his curiosity aroused. “In what way?”

“Near the head.” He hesitantly pointed to the object in question. “It’s got a second, I don’t know, a second ridge.”

“Really? May I see yours?”

Kirk just stared at him.

“Ah, the human compunction against showing one’s sexual organs. It is mentioned quite regularly in your literature. If you do not wish-”

“It isn’t that.” Kirk now seemed to be looking everywhere but at Spock.

“No? What, then?”

“It’s not something guys usually do together, check out each other’s equipment.”

“You were ‘checking out’ mine. I do not understand why the reverse would be considered inappropriate.”

Kirk squirmed. “I...all right.” He stood up, keeping his back to Spock while he slid his underwear off. He hastily sat back down with his legs crossed and his briefs clenched in one hand, shielding his groin.

“Jim?” Spock reached out and grabbed Kirk’s arm to gently pull it away. There was little resistance but his friend refused to look at him. Spock studied Kirk. There was little difference, other than what Kirk had noted. Except for one thing.

“You are partially erect.”

Kirk swallowed and finally looked directly at Spock. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see that.”

“I can only deduce from your behavior that I am the cause, that you find me sexually appealing. From everything I have read, that is considered a compliment on your planet.”

“It doesn’t bother you? Me being a guy?”

“No. Humans cannot control who they are drawn to. Even Vulcans...” Spock let go of Kirk’s arm. “May I touch it?”

Kirk’s eyes went wide. “Ah, sure, if you want.”

Spock lightly ran his finger around the corona of the glans. He felt Kirk’s body shudder and the human’s breath grow more rapid. He glanced up. Kirk’s eyes had fallen closed. At his side, his hands were closed into fists. Kirk’s penis was rapidly becoming fully erect.

He had never done this before, touched another in this way, though he had often wondered about that which his body seemed to thirst for. There had been no way to find out, for his body’s responses had proven to be quite different from those of his fellow Vulcans. None had ever given any indication that they might find any gratification in such an act.

Not like Kirk, who now softly moaned as Spock wrapped the hardened shaft in his hand and began a slow pistoning. Not letting go, Spock scooted closer and came up on his knees at Kirk’s side so he could more easily continue. He placed one arm around Kirk’s shoulders and pulled him close.

Kirk shifted back to hold himself up on his hands while his legs splayed out in front of him, giving Spock easier access. “Harder, I need it harder.”

Pre-ejaculate had slowly oozed from the organ’s tip as Kirk’s excitement had grown. It gave the lubrication Spock needed to tightened his grip and quicken the stroking of Kirk’s penis. Kirk’s hips moved up and down in rhythm with the unrestrained caress.

“God, I’m going to come.” Kirk moaned and threw his head back, his eyes squeezed more tightly shut.

Not knowing where the impulse came from, Spock nevertheless bent down and began suckling a nipple. When he lightly bit down, Kirk cried out and came, his sperm pulsing forth onto Spock’s hand.

As he held the still quivering human, Spock brought one hand up to cradle Kirk’s head. Whether by accident or design, his fingers brushed the meld points of Kirk face and the jolt that hit Spock was so intense that he almost blacked out. His body caught on fire as Kirk’s physical pleasure transmitted itself to him. Coupled with his own need, it overloaded his senses. He buried his face against the human’s neck and let the sensations carry him over the edge. When he was once more aware of his surroundings, they were both lying down and he had Kirk wrapped in his arms.

Kirk’s eyes literally shone as he looked up and smiled at Spock. “Wow. That was,” he chuckled, “I don’t know what that was.”

“Nor do I. I was quite overcome by it, whatever it is.”

“Yeah, me, too.” Kirk trailed his fingers through the hair on Spock’s chest and belly. “But I didn’t even touch you and you came. I like that.”

“Why?”

“Because it means you like me as much as I like you.”

Spock didn’t answer but Kirk didn’t seem to need one. Which was fortunate because Spock did not believe that was was it meant. Not at all.

 

^^^^^

 

“God, that was great.” Kirk rolled off Spock and collapsed on the mattress.

Spock had to agree, though he was quite beyond speech at the moment.

Enthralled by his body’s responses from that afternoon, he hadn’t thought it possible that their coupling could be anymore satisfying. Yet what they had done at the river paled in comparison to what they had done in this bed. The feel of Kirk’s penis rubbing against his own as their bodies battered against each other was indescribable. The weight of the human against his chest and abdomen, Kirk slick with sweat and heaving for each breath, had only added to the already overwhelming sensations that had coursed through Spock. Without thought, he had pulled Kirk tightly to him and they had rode out the maelstrom together.

Now, their joint emissions slowly cooling on his belly, Spock wondered if perhaps he should make sure Kirk truly understood their relationship. He did not wish for his friend to continue to believe there was an emotional attachment where none existed. “Jim...”

Kirk bolted upright. “You hungry? I’m hungry.” He jumped out of bed and hastily pulled on a pair of shorts. “Just in case someone comes by.”

“Jim, I believe there is something—”

“I think I’ll make a sandwich. Glass of milk would taste good, too.” He looked at Spock expectantly. “You want anything?”

Spock stared at him. Kirk looked ready to bolt to the kitchen. Food is what was on his mind and would be a distraction until his hunger was appeased. Perhaps it would be best to wait for a more efficacious time to broach this particular subject. “No, I am not hungry.”

“You sure?” At Spock’s nod, Kirk started for the door. “I’ll be right back.”

Spock used the time Kirk was gone to clean himself off and bring the bed to a state where sleep would be possible. By the time Kirk returned, a tray loaded down with sandwiches, cookies and two glasses of milk in his hands, Spock was comfortably ensconced under the blankets.

“I brought enough for both of us in case you changed your mind. Don’t worry if you didn’t. I’m so hungry, I don’t think I’ll have any trouble finishing all this off myself.” Kirk rambled on while placing the tray on the bedside table, removing his shorts and sliding under the covers next to Spock. He then grabbed the tray and placed it between his widespread legs.

Spock turned on his side and watched the human eat. “Are you not bothered by the prospect of weight gain by ingesting so many calories?”

“Nope,” Kirk responded around the cookie in his mouth. “I’ve always been able to eat whatever I want and not gain a pound.” He took a large swallow of milk. “Besides, I’m trying to beef up a little. It’s bad enough I’m younger than most of the cadets. I don’t need to be smaller than most of them, too.”

“Does you lack of stature bother you?”

Kirk gave him a look and then shrugged. “I still got a few years before a quit growing.”

Spock studied his friend, who had put his sandwich down and was absently picking at the blanket. “You are troubled by this; I did not mean to offend you.”

“That’s all right.” Kirk looked up at him through what Spock thought of as ridiculously long lashes. “I guess Vulcans aren’t bothered by stuff like that.”

“It would be illogical to be displeased by something beyond one’s control.” He did not add how often, even with Vulcans, logic had nothing to do with it.

“That’s sort of nice. I’d like to visit your planet one day. I bet I’d really like it.”

Spock thought that was a bet Kirk would lose. “Eat your sandwich. I wish to retire.”

Kirk grinned and took a bite.

^^^^^

 

Spock waded out of the water. He grabbed the towel hung on the overhanging branch and began to dry himself off. His stroke was improving and, as Kirk as anticipated, once he’d taken into account his different center of gravity, he had managed to find his balance. He began to believe that a berth on a Federation starship was once more within his grasp.

“You ready to head back now?” Kirk swam up to the bank and joined Spock in toweling himself dry.

“I believe so. The drills you recommended have had the desired affect. Repeating them at this time would only cause fatigue. There is always tomorrow.”

“Oh, we still have a few more days before you have to take the test again, don’t we? You said they gave you ten days.”

“That is correct. But I see no point in postponing the test if I have already acquired the skills to pass it. I believe one more day will see me at a sufficient level of expertise.”

Kirk looked at him in dismay. “But you just got here. Besides, what about the two Vulcans you saw? What if they’re still there?”

Spock realized with chagrin that the possibility had slipped his mind. He had been so wrapped up in planning his future, he had given little thought to anything else. He wiped his arms and tried to think of a solution. “Perhaps you are correct. Moreover, a few more days of practice could only strengthen my skills.”

“That’s right.” Kirk walked over to where their clothes lay on the blanket they’d spread on the ground and began to dress. “What do you feel like doing now?”

“I thought we would return to the house. I noticed several books in your bookcase downstairs I would appreciate perusing.”

“Reading? Ah, come on, Spock, there’s got to be something else you’d rather do.”

“You would prefer we had sex?”

Kirk expression changed but to what Spock could not say. He only knew it was as if a door had physically swung shut between them.

“That was a lousy thing to say.”

Spock was confused. Kirk had been the aggressor that morning, awakening him by drawing Spock’s penis into his mouth. They had ended up performing fellatio on each other, in a maneuver Kirk had identified as ‘sixty-nine.’ The human had been hungry for him then and Spock had not missed the furtive glances Kirk threw his way during the lesson. Then, as now, Spock’s naked body obviously aroused him. For him to now express outrage because Spock had initiated the offer made no sense.

“You do not wish to have sex?”

“Of course I want to have sex. But you make it sound like that’s all it is.”

Spock mentally chastised himself. He knew Kirk was exaggerating their relationship into something it was not, and he regretted not speaking of it to him the night before. “Jim,” Spock wrapped the towel around his waist and approached Kirk. “What else do you think it is?”

Kirk plopped down on the blanket and folded his arms across his bent knees, his forehead resting on top. He didn’t answer at first, but sat there that way for several moments. Finally, he brought his head up. “I know what you think. You think I’m blowing things all out of proportion. Well, you’re wrong. But it’s not _just_ sex between us, Spock. I know it isn’t. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you feel _nothing_ for me? Not even friendship?”

“I do not know, for I do not know what friendship feels like.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

Spock pulled the towel off and began to dress, all the while trying to formulate a response. But how to explain the perceptions of one species to another? No more could one explain sight to a blind person.

Fully dressed, Spock took a place next to Kirk. “These feelings you speak so freely of are human feelings, and I am not human.”

“I know,” Kirk responded softly. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t feel.”

“Perhaps, but I have no reference to draw upon. Is what I feel for you friendship or merely gratitude? I do not know. But I fear it is not all you would wish it to be.”

Kirk shrugged. “It won’t be the first time. I seem to have this really annoying habit of expecting more out of people than they’re willing to give.”

“It is not that I am unwilling to give it; it is that I may not have it to give.”

Kirk turned and studied him. “Somehow, I don’t believe that, even if you do.” Then he smiled. “We could find out together, though. Couldn’t we?”

Spock did not know if it was the smile or his own reluctance to hurt the human once again, but he found himself responding. He nodded in agreement.

“Come on, then,” Kirk grabbed his hand and together they stood up. “Let’s go home.”

^^^^^

 

“What is the point of this?” Spock asked, clearly bewildered.

“It’s to see who can do the most disgusting thing possible. Whoever does, wins.”

“Wins what?”

“Depends. Sometimes money, sometimes prices.” Kirk grabbed the remote and clicked off the televid. “It’s a stupid program, anyway.”

“Indeed. Are they all that way?”

“Nah,” Kirk pulled himself up from where he’d been slouching on the couch. “But there’s quite a few from what I’ve heard. You don’t have much time to sit and watch vids when you live on a farm.” He stretched and started for the kitchen. “Want something to drink?”

“Water would be appreciated.”

“Water? I meant a beer or something.”

Spock frowned. “I did not realize you were old enough to imbibe alcoholic beverages.”

Kirk shrugged. “I’m not. But Mom’s not here. I thought we could snag a couple.”

“I do not believe so.”

“Killjoy,” Kirk deadpanned, though, truth be told, he was sort of glad Spock had refused. “Okay, water it is.”

He went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water for Spock. At the refrigerator, he stood, still torn as to what to get for himself. He’d drunk before, a little. Both times he’d lost practically every inhibition he had. He’d been lucky; only Sam had seen him make a total fool of himself. Kirk couldn’t begin to imagine what he’d do in the same state with Spock. But he had been counting on the dutch courage to get him through the evening. He wanted something from Spock, something he was afraid to ask for cold sober. But maybe Spock would only think he was asking because he was drunk. Kirk sighed and grabbed a bottle of fruit juice.

He returned to the living room. “You want to sit outside? The weather’s great and it’s too early for the mosquitoes to be a problem.”

Spock stood and took the glass of water. “I do not believe I would find them a problem in any event.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I forgot Vulcans have green blood.” Kirk grinned. “Though it would be really interesting to see what happened to the poor mosquito. Come on, let’s go find out.”

They stepped out onto the front porch. Kirk confiscated the swing hanging along one side of the verandah, while Spock chose the rocker positioned right outside the door. He took the afghan thrown over its back and settled it across his legs.

“You cold?” Kirk was only wearing cutoffs and still felt a little warm. But the sun was barely meeting the horizon; it would cool off measurably in the next hour.

“Not at the present but neither am I warm. The blanket will aid in keeping my body’s temperature at an agreeable level.”

“Hm.” Kirk kicked his foot off the floor, sending the swing lazily swaying. “I’ll go get you another one later on, then, because you’ll probably need it.”

Spock only nodded and the two allowed themselves to enjoy the evening quiet. That’s one thing Kirk had discovered almost right away; they didn’t need words but seemed to communicate on a higher level. Without saying a word, he’d found that Spock knew exactly what he wanted. Just another reason he was finding the Vulcan so hard to resist.

The sky darkened and soon the night was lit only by the wide expanse of stars that danced above them. There was no moon, so Spock was just a darker silhouette against the backdrop of the house behind him.

“Can you see Vulcan from here?” Kirk asked, finally breaking the silence.

“Not Vulcan, 40 Eridani A.” Spock thought a moment and then stood and moved to the edge of the porch. He scanned the skies before pointing to the western horizon. “Yes, it is there.”

Kirk got up and joined him. He looked but saw nothing. “Where?”

“In the constellation you call Eridanus.” Spock moved behind him, so close that his face was almost pressed against Kirk’s. “Look to Rigel in the constellation of Orion. Follow the meandering line of stars south.” His finger traced the stellar points of light. “There, do you see it? The orange fourth magnitude star.”

“I think so.” Kirk squinted. “Yes, I see it!”

Spock’s arm dropped away and Kirk used the opportunity to grab both and wrap them around himself. “How far away it is?”

“Not far. A mere sixteen point five light years.”

“We haven’t got that far in our Federation history class at the Academy. We’re still studying how Earth managed to get into space. But now I’m ahead of everyone else. When the instructor asks about Vulcan, I’ll be able to tell him where it is and far away it is.”

“Will you tell them you had your own private Vulcan tutor?”

Kirk laughed. “I wouldn’t dare. I don’t think they’d believe me, anyway.”

Why not?” The Vulcan sounded truly puzzled.

“Because they’ll all believe what most people believe about Vulcans; that they’re cold and heartless and that you could never be friends with one, much less lovers.”

Spock pulled away then and returned to the rocker.

Kirk felt bereft, cold. He grabbed one of the other chairs and pulled it over next to Spock. He sat straddling the chair. “What did I say? Was it that I called us lovers? We are, you know. Even if you don’t love me, we’re still lovers.”

“It is not that; I knew what you meant.” Spock hesitated. “I believe there is something you should know.”

“All right.”

Spock remained silent.

“What is it, Spock?”

The Vulcan took a deep breath. “I am not what you think I am.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I am not Vulcan.”

Kirk stared at him, puzzled. “Of course you are. What else would you be?”

“Perhaps, I should rephrase that. I am not full Vulcan.”

“Oh.” Kirk didn’t see the point. “Okay, you’re not full Vulcan. So what?”

“I am not full Vulcan because my mother is Terran.”

“Really? That’s great!”

Spock stared at him, obviously distressed. “You do not understand what it is to be Vulcan or what it is to only be half.”

“I’m sorry.” Kirk sobered. “But I guess I really don’t understand. What’s wrong with being part human?”

“It is not that I am part human, it is that I am only half Vulcan.”

“You’re talking in riddles! I don’t understand what your problem is. It’s certainly not one for me.”

“No, I know it is not.” Spock looked at him as if he could make Kirk understand with just the force of his thoughts.

 _And I thought we could read each other’s minds._ “What is it you want from me, Spock?”

Spock’s response surprised him when, after studying him a moment, Spock brought his hand up to cup Kirk’s cheek. Another few moments passed and then he leaned forward and brushed a kiss across Kirk’s lips. “Let us go upstairs.”

Kirk didn’t argue and they moved as one inside and up to Kirk’s bedroom.

Spock made love to him fiercely and Kirk forgot about wanting something more. But later, sated, with Spock pressed up against him, Spock’s arm wrapped tight around his waist, Kirk remembered.

^^^^^

 

They returned to the pond the next afternoon and Spock realized the motions he’d once found difficult had now become an automatic reflex. He slid effortlessly through the water, turning easily when he approached the bank and starting back to the other side. There was no doubt in his mind he would easily pass the upcoming test.

He stopped and treaded water, intent on informing Kirk of his progress. But the human stood at the edge of the pond, a look of dismay on his face.

Spock swam toward the bank and pulled himself out. “What is wrong?”

Kirk only shook his head and started back to the blanket spread beneath the trees. His movements were so violent, the horses nickered in protest and shied away as he approached.

“Jim?” Spock followed, wondering at the sudden change in his friend’s demeanor.

“Don’t worry about it.” Kirk sat down and hugged his bent legs up against his chest.

Spock sat next to him. “I am concerned. Did I do something to offend you?”

Kirk’s mouth twisted into a grimace. “No, you didn’t offend me.” He grabbed a rock from the ground next to the blanket and threw it into the water. “It’s just that you’ve gotten really good at swimming, that’s all.”

“I was under the impression that was the whole point of this exercise.”

“It was. But you didn’t have to get so good so fast.” He scowled at Spock, as if mastering the skill so quickly had been a violation of trust.

“You are an excellent teacher.”

“Yeah, aren’t I just great?” Kirk sarcastically responded.

“Jim, I do not understand what the problem is.”

“I’ll tell you what the problem is. Now, you’ll want to go back to the Academy to take your test. And after you pass it, I’ll probably never see you again.”

“You knew I would be leaving.”

“I know.” Kirk’s head dropped onto his knees. “I just didn’t think it would be so soon.”

Spock didn’t know what to make of this new development. Of course he wished to retake the test as soon as possible; the sooner he passed, the sooner he would be stationed aboard a ship. Surely, Kirk did not expect him to stay longer than was necessary.

“When will you be leaving?” Kirk’s muffled voice was tight.

Spock found an answering constriction in his own throat and wondered at the cause. “When do you wish me to leave?”

“Never.” Kirk brought his head up. “But, maybe, we could stay here three more days. They gave you ten and you still have four left. If we left the day before you had to be back, that would give us plenty of time to get there.”

Spock looked away. “Jim—”

“Please, Spock. Once you go, that’s it. You’ll be out in space and I’ve still got three years at the Academy. Please, Spock.” He scooted closer and brought his arms around Spock. “Please.”

The softness of the human’s lips pressing against his was Spock’s undoing. He gave into the fire that Kirk’s touch kindled within him. He heard Kirk moan as Spock lowered him onto the blanket, their kiss never breaking, and rolled atop him.

Kirk’s hands fastened on his shoulders, then moved down to claw at his back. The human was almost frantic. Kirk’s hands moved again and Spock felt him fumbling at their swim trunks. Spock disengaged himself from Kirk’s embrace and knelt up. He grabbed the human’s trunks and pulled them down his legs and off, then stood and stripped off his own.

He stood over the human and feasted on the sight below him. Kirk lay panting, his cock jutting upward and his legs splayed open in invitation.

Spock slipped to his knees. He lowered his mouth to Kirk’s groin and, relaxing his throat muscles, took the organ to its root into his mouth.

Kirk let out a startled grunt and grabbed Spock’s head. His hips rose to meet Spock’s devouring mouth and his fingers entwined in Spock’s hair to hold him as he began to suck the human’s cock. He slid his hands beneath Kirk’s hips and grabbed his buttocks in a fierce hold, steadying their erratic pistoning as Kirk’s organ slid in and out of his mouth.

Between his own legs, Spock could feel his penis, full and heavy, pulsing to the same rhythm as that which beat between him and Kirk. He didn’t try to examine it, too caught up in its hypnotic cadence. Something was coming alive between them, something sweet and all-powerful.

“Wait. Stop, please stop.”

He vaguely heard the words; it was more Kirk’s insistent hands pushing at him that brought Spock back to himself. “What?” he stupidly asked.

Kirk twisted around and grabbed the pants he’d discarded earlier. He fumbled around in the pockets until he found what he was looking for. He turned back, while hastily unscrewing the cap from the small tube in his hands. “Here, use some of this.”

Spock stared at him, unsure of what Kirk wanted. Seeing his confusion, Kirk grabbed his hand and squirted some of the ointment onto his palm. “Put it inside me.”

“Inside?”

Kirk grabbed Spock’s hand and shoved it down between his legs. “In there. Put your fingers in there.”

“I...” Spock looked at his hand, so close to the opening of Kirk’s body, shaking with either fear or passion, Spock wasn’t sure which.

“Do it.” Kirk pulled his legs ups, exposing himself even more.

Spock meant to protest but, instead, he found his middle finger slowly gliding into the human’s snug channel. Mesmerized, he watched as it seemed to be sucked in, the tight constriction clasping around it as if to hold him to Kirk forever.

Kirk cried out and lifted his hips higher. Spock pulled his finger almost all the way out and then sent it back in, over and over, deeper and harder. With each plunge into Kirk’s body, the human lost even more control, until he could do little more than twist and moan under Spock’s assault.

Yet, somehow, he managed to maneuver closer until his buttocks were lying against Spock’s thighs. He shoved Spock’s hand away and repositioned himself until Spock’s organ nestled between his cheeks.

“Go on, put it in,” Kirk rasped.

Spock felt himself being drawn into the whirlpool of their joint desire. He grabbed Kirk’s legs and pulled them open even more. His cock seemed aimed at the human’s hole, even now pulsing with need. He placed its tip at the opening.

The shock that went through his mind jolted Spock’s body away from Kirk. He landed on his back and scuttled back in fright, crab-like, from the confused human.

“Wha—?” Kirk seemed unable to find his voice. He swallowed and tried again. “What happened?”

Spock stared at him, too afraid to get closer. “We cannot do this. You should never have forced the situation.”

“Forced?” Kirk croaked. “I didn’t force you.”

Spock stood and started hastily throwing on his clothes. “We should go back to the house.”

Kirk seemed to finally gather his wits. He sat up, wincing as his buttocks took his full weight. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing. I merely wish to leave.”

“Leave? Here, or me?”

Spock didn’t answer. He didn’t know the answer.

Kirk’s face hardened. “So that’s it. I’m not good enough for you to fuck. A quick grope under the sheets is one thing but you might pick up something if you actually put your cock in me.”

“I do not wish to discuss it.”

“No, I imagine you wouldn’t.” Kirk slowly climbed to his feet and, gathering his clothes, began to get dressed. “But that’s okay, I get the picture. I don’t need to be hit over the head with it.”

“You would not understand.”

Kirk looked at him in disgust. “Of course I wouldn’t. I’m just a human, after all.” He tilted his head. “Is that what the big deal is? I’m the same as the half of yourself you’re so ashamed of?”

Spock’s lips tightened. “I should never have told you. I did not think you would use the information against me.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. I’ve made a big enough fool of myself already. I don’t even want to imagine what people would think of me if I were stupid enough to tell anyone.”

Kirk bent down and grabbed the blanket, shook it out and folded it up, all without looking at Spock again. He took it over and tied to his saddle, then pulled himself up onto his horse. “Tell you what.” He looked straight ahead. “You don’t even have to ride back with me.” With that, he gave a slight kick and started the horse forward. He didn’t look back.

^^^^^

 

Spock stayed at the river for several hours after Kirk fled, afraid of going back to the house. Afraid not to. In the back of his mind, the link he’d allowed himself to forget about throbbed, an unwelcome occupant. He sat at the river’s edge, now immune to its beauty.

A strange pain filled him, one even the residual ache of the violated link could not undermine. It seemed to radiate from his chest, yet encompass his entire body at the same time. He did not know what it was, yet he felt as if he should.

He had hurt Kirk terribly. And, that, he would always regret. But he could neither explain to his friend what happened nor change its outcome. He was not free to explore the strange and wonderful connection he’d seen bloom between them, but Kirk must never know why. Kirk was an outworlder. It was forbidden.

His horse snorted and pawed at the ground. Yet something else to feel regret for; the animal was probably hungry. Spock got up and walked over. He unhitched its reins from the tree he’d tied it to and led the animal away and down the dirt road back to the house.

He maintained a steady pace, yet allowed the horse to graze from time to time, a penance of sorts for his misuse of the animal. It was dark by the time Kirk’s home came into sight, Spock walking past on his way to the barn. Leading the horse to its stall, he removed the saddle and combed the animal as Kirk had shown him. Done, he exited the building and once again approached the house. Though no lights shown from the house, he knew Kirk was there. How he knew that, he didn’t want to think. That he did know was painful enough.

Spock slowly took the steps and crossed the porch to the door. It was unlocked. He let himself into the house and headed directly upstairs. He entered the bedroom he’d shared with Kirk and carefully made his way over to the bed. He turned on the lamp on the night stand. The room was empty.

It was the same, yet not. The welcoming warmth that had surrounded him every time he had crossed the threshold into what was uniquely Kirk’s was gone. The room was cold.

“I packed my things.”

Spock turned. Kirk stood in the doorway.

“We’ll go back tomorrow morning. I’ve already called; there’ll be a taxi here at seven.”

“You are returning to the Academy with me?”

Kirk nodded his head sharply. “I promised to see this thing through. I don’t go back on my word. Besides, I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Very well.” Spock hesitated. “Will you sleep with me?”

“No. I don’t want that anymore, either. I’ve already stowed my stuff in Sam’s room.” Kirk pressed his lips together as if to hold in whatever else he wished to say.

“Jim—”

“Don’t. Just don’t. Goodnight, Spock. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Spock swallowed. “Goodnight, Jim.”

He watched his friend, no, his former friend, walk away, the tread of his footsteps receding until the sound of a door opening and closing ended them.

With stilted movements, Spock undressed for bed. He thought he should take a shower but the very idea of leaving the room, moving closer to Kirk without being able to get closer still, was more than he could bear. Instead, he slipped under the covers and reached over to turn off the light.

He turned onto his back. The light from the moon filtered through the sheer curtains and played patterns across the walls. Alone, he watched them through the night.

^^^^^

 

He should feel some sort of elation. He was now a member of Starfleet and, within the next few days, he would be assigned to a ship. He would see all the places he had always dreamt of seeing, learn all the things his mind craved to know. He should feel some sort of elation. He felt nothing.

Spock walked the path that led from the administration building back to the dorm. It was a breezy day and there was a slight chill to the air, as if what he’d done to Kirk had leached the warmth from it, yet he kept his steps slow, his pace tempered. His room awaited him, his clothes back in their proper place, the narrow bed remade. He did not know how he would survive it.

He had feared Kirk’s presence. Now, he feared his absence even more.

Spock had awoken that morning, still alone in Kirk’s bed, to the sharp knock on the door; he didn’t remember falling asleep. He’d gotten up to use the bathroom, then brushed his teeth and showered in haste; he thought if he could spend enough time with Kirk before their transportation arrived he could set things to right. But the taxi was quietly idling in front of the house by the time Spock made his way downstairs. Kirk stood at the open door impatiently waiting and without a word motioned Spock outside. He followed, locking the door behind him.

They had not said one word to each other during the entire trip. It was only after they reached the dorm and were standing in the vacant hallway halfway between their two rooms that Kirk finally spoke.

“I wasn’t thinking clearly this morning.”

Spock felt a spark of hope, quickly squelched.

“I can’t stay here, not with you so close. Gary left the number of the place he was going to be staying. I think I’ll give him a call, meet up with him. I’m sure you’re going to pass the swimming test, so you’ll be gone by the time I get back.”

“Will I never see you again?”

“No, I don’t think so. What would be the point?”

“I desire to be with you,” Spock whispered.

“No, you don’t. Not in anyway that counts. I wish...” Kirk bit his lip.

“What? What do you wish?”

“Kirk shook his head. “Nothing. Goodbye, Spock.” He didn’t give Spock the time to respond but hurried over and let himself into his room, leaving Spock to stare stupidly at the closed door.

That door was still closed when Spock finally reentered the dorm, made his way up the stairwell and walked past it on his way to his room. Whatever connection he had shared with Kirk was now gone; he felt neither his presence nor absence.

Spock let himself into his room and turned on the light. Kirk sat quietly on the bed.

“Hi.” Kirk smiled shakily.

“You are here.”

“Yeah, you thought you’d gotten rid of me, didn’t you?”

Spock slowly made his way over and gingerly sat at Kirk’s side. “I am pleased that you are here.”

“Really?”

He brought his hand up and brushed it against Kirk’s cheek. “I feared never seeing you again. Never touching you again.”

“I know you don’t feel the same way I do but I don’t care. I—”

Spock pressed a finger against Kirk’s lips. “Let me speak. There is much I should have told you at the onset; it was foolish of me to think it could go unsaid.” He pulled away and locked his hands together on his lap.

Kirk cocked his head to one side, plainly curious.

“Do you recall my telling you that I had no reference for the feelings you wished to engender in me?”

“Yeah,” Kirk answered warily.

“I was not being completely truthful. I did not know what to call what I felt for you, that much is true. I had never had these feelings before or, if I did, I obliterated them under the weight of Vulcan logic. But I knew their absence and as we grew close, it seemed as if that which had always been missing was suddenly mine.”

“Then it wasn’t a bad thing, was it?”

Spock turned to gaze at the human. So much willingness to give, even in the face of Spock’s inexplicable behavior. “No, not a bad thing; perhaps, the best thing I have ever known, or will ever know again. But I refused to accept what was happening between us, gave it any name but its own.” He reached out and wrapped his hands around Kirk’s biceps. “I made you think I held you in low regard; nothing could be further from the truth. What I did, I did out of fear, for I fear that what I do feel for you is not only of Earth but of Vulcan also. You do not understand, you _cannot_ understand what that means.”

“Can’t you tell me?”

Spock shook his head in regret. “It is not allowed. I know that is not a sufficient explanation but it is the only one I can give you. But this I can tell you. If I were free to give myself to someone, it would be to you. I can think of no other I would be as honored to join with in this way. But I am not free.”

“What can you give me?”

“The remainder of the time that is left to me here. All that I am, the entirety of my being, while we are together.”

Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock’s waist and went eagerly into his embrace. “It’s nowhere near what I want and it’ll probably make your leaving even harder to bear. But I don’t care; I’m taking whatever I can get.”

^^^^^

 

Spock stirred and rolled onto his side. A cool breeze blew in from the open window, causing him to reach down and pull the sheet up to cover himself. Next to him, the covers kicked down and bunched up around his feet, Kirk lay in an indolent sprawl. A light sheen of perspiration still slicked his chest and arms from their most recent lovemaking.

He actually smiled, so very glad he had been allowed to return to this place. When Spock had notified Mr. Salazar of his intentions of staying somewhere else to wait out the results, his counselor had called up to the main office and had a communicator delivered; it would allow the Academy to contact him wherever he was. That problem resolved, he had returned to Kirk, who waited impatiently on the front steps of the building. They wasted no time in hiring a taxi to make the frustratingly long trip back to Kirk’s home. Barely in the door, they had thrown off convention as well as their clothes. That they had made it to the bedroom seemed a wonder now.

Spock propped himself up on an elbow and marked the steady rise and fall of Kirk’s chest; his lover was sound asleep so Spock could watch his fill. He let his gaze roam slowly up and down the still figure. He wished to memorize every part of Kirk: the curve of his cheek, the sandy hair with its tendency to curl, the toned and muscled body. All these things and more, he would commit to memory, so that in the coming years, when the loss became too much to bear, he could take them out and savor them.

He thought back on the last heady hours since their return; that, too, would be there. Spock had never known such joy: to hold Kirk to him, to know the sweetness of passion tempered by deep affection to a rich and life-sustaining union. All that he would remember as long as there was breath in his body.

The temptation to touch Kirk overcame him. He reached out and lightly brushed Kirk’s hair off his forehead.

Kirk’s eye’s fluttered open and he gave Spock a gentle smile. “Hi.”

“I did not mean to wake you.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He stretched and turned his head toward the window. “The sun will be going down soon.” He looked back at Spock. “I’m hungry. Are you hungry?”

“I do not know. I seem to be able to think of satisfying only one appetite at a time.”

Kirk’s smile turned into a satisfied grin. “I know what you mean but if I don’t eat, I might not have a strength for another round.”

Spock sat up. “Then you must eat. Come,” he climbed out of bed and started hunting for his pants, “I shall prepare a meal.”

Kirk rolled off the other side and went over to the bureau sitting next to the window. He opened up the middle drawer and pulled out a pair of cutoffs, then scrounged around some more until he found an old pair of running shorts. He turned and tossed them at Spock. “Here, these will do better. Besides, I think what you’re looking for is somewhere on the stairwell.”

Spock caught the article of clothing and after a quick inspection put the shorts on. Though not his usual attire, they were comfortable. In any event, he doubted he would have them on long.

“They look good on you. Blue’s your color.”

“I did not realize I had a color.”

Kirk shook his head, his exasperation tinged with humor. “Come on,” he grabbed Spock’s arm and pulled him toward the doorway. “I thought I heard something about being fed.”

^^^^^

 

They decided some fresh air would do them both good, so after a surprising delicious meal they adjourned to the porch. The sun was creeping towards the horizon, turning the sky orange and pink.

Kirk propped himself up with his arms behind him as he balanced on the railing. One leg swung lazily back and forth. “This is nice. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit on this porch and not think of us together.”

“I, too, will long remember this moment.”

“I wish we never had to leave,” Kirk murmured.

Spock looked up from his place on the top step. “Jim—”

“No, that’s okay. I’m just being stupid.”

The Vulcan stood and approached him. Kirk kept his face turned away, pretending to be watching the sunset. Instead of forcing him to look at him, Spock sat behind Kirk and shifted him over so that his weight pressed against Spock’s chest. His arms settled around Kirk’s waist.

“The sun makes the sky look like that of my planet.”

Kirk turned his head to nestle within the hollow of Spock’s throat. “Spock—”

“Let me speak.”

They sat there for several minutes before Spock finally did. “If it were possible for me to stay here, I would. But both of us have a different destiny to follow, one that neither of us truly wishes to give up.

“I do not know if we shall ever see each other again after I leave this place, and the thought of that weighs more heavily upon me than you could ever know. In you, I have found a part of myself I did not know existed. If the price I must pay for that knowledge is that I must leave it all behind, it is a price I will pay, gladly. That I had this time with you at all is a gift beyond measure.”

“So, is this all we get, then? A lousy week?” Kirk turned to face Spock. “It’s not fair.”

He outlined Kirk’s lips with the tip of his finger. “You are really quite beautiful, did you know that?”

“Stop it, stop changing the subject. You do that to me all the time.”

“It is because you ask questions which have no answers. Why were we allotted only a week’s time? Who is to know? Perhaps it was meant to sustain us through whatever adversity comes our way. Or, perhaps it is nothing at all, a pleasant interlude we give too much weight, one that will fade with time.”

“You don’t believe that anymore than I do. Spock, I don’t want to lose you.”

He forced Kirk back around and held him once more. “We will have this night to remember.”

Spock was quiet for a long time after that. Kirk, nestled against the solid weight behind him, had allowed his mind to drift and was caught off-guard when the Vulcan spoke again.

“Jim, I do not wish you to return with me when...when it is time for me to leave.”

Kirk tightened his hold on the arms that held him. “Why not?”

“It will be difficult, saying goodbye in front of others. I do not wish my last memories of you to be those where I could not touch you.”

He didn’t like it; as far as he was concerned, any time together was to be grabbed with both hands. But he did understand. “All right.”

“And perhaps you should think of our coming together in another way.”

“What other way?”

“Not as the culmination of your desires but merely the first attempt at finding what it is you wish from the person you will share your life with.”

“What are you talking about?”

Spock seemed to hesitate. “I believe it is called a ‘trial-run.’”

Kirk tried to pull away. “Let go of me, Spock!”

“No, I will not. You must allow me to explain.”

“Explain what? That you think you’re nothing but an experiment on my part?”

“That was not what I meant to convey. Please, Jim.”

He stopped struggling. He was hurt and angry but he cared too much to not listen. “Go ahead.”

“When I failed the first swimming test, my counselor advised me to look on it as a ‘trial run,’ as a first attempt, rather than as the final result. Is that not what we have been to each other, a first attempt? A first time at feeling what we feel for one another? Can you truly say there will be no others for you? No others you will hold dear?”

Kirk hated to agree, but he had to admit Spock was right. As much as this meant to him, would always mean to him, he knew he would not stop living once Spock was gone. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“‘Maybe’?” Spock lightly pressed his lips to Kirk’s temple. “It is my wish that there be others for you. I do not think I could tolerate the idea of you being alone.”

“I’ll still miss you.”

“As I will you.” Spock leaned around and looked up into Kirk’s face. “Are you all right?”

“No,” Kirk said, almost belligerently. He softened his voice. “No. But I have to be, don’t I?”

Spock let him go and slipped off the railing. He took Kirk’s hand. “Come, we should go upstairs.”

They would make love, off and on, all night. Kirk was never able to get Spock to go all the way with him. No matter how much he teased and cajoled and flaunted himself, he could not get that one thing from him. When Spock appeared to be getting really upset about it, Kirk finally backed off and let it go. But he knew he would always regret never getting that from his lover. He wanted to know what it felt like, to have a man fill your body with his cock. He wanted to know what it felt like with Spock.

They finally fell asleep to the sounds of the first birdsong.

^^^^^

 

The space next to him was empty when Kirk woke the day. _Maybe Spock went looking for something to eat._ It sounded like a good idea to him. He threw aside the sheet and padded into the bathroom, forcing his morning erection away so he could empty his bladder. _What a waste._ He smiled to himself, then washed up and threw on a pair of cutoffs. Through the window he saw Mr. Elliot, their neighbor, just exiting the barn. Kirk glanced at the chronometer. Almost noon. He stretched and gave into a yawn. Maybe after they ate they could come back to bed for awhile. He hurriedly straightened the covers before going downstairs to look for Spock.

He slowed as he passed the front entry. Spock’s bag sat, packed and ready, next to the door. At that moment Kirk knew the news they had both feared and anxiously waited for had come. He heard the clatter of dishes in the kitchen and bolted down the hallway and through the connecting door.

Spock sat at the table, looking out. He did not turn at Kirk’s entrance.

Kirk approached the silent figure and took the seat next to him. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

Spock nodded slightly. “Yes. I received the call approximately twenty minutes ago.”

“Weren’t you going to wake me up?”

“It occurred to me not to; my leaving would be painful enough without the additional burden of seeing its affect on you. But I could not in good conscience do so. And I suspected you would never forgive me.” He gave Kirk a slightly bemused look.

Kirk tried to smile back. “Oh, I probably would have, eventually. After I’d tracked you down and beaten the living daylights out of you.”

“I would have looked forward to such an event, if it meant seeing you again.”

“I could go with you. I know what you said but I have to go back, anyway.”

Spock shook his head. No, I do not wish to say goodbye to you in front of others. It is best done here.”

“Oh, Spock.” Kirk took the Vulcan’s hand. “How soon do you have to leave?”

“I told the transit company I needed the taxi to to be here at thirteen hundred hours.”

“That doesn’t give us much time.”

Spock looked down. “There could never be enough time for us.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Kirk blurted out.

“Jim don’t—”

“Why not? I don’t. I know you have to but I don’t want to pretend, Spock.” He felt the burn of tears and rapidly blinked. He would not cry, not now. He wouldn’t do that to Spock. “I’m not going to forget you, not ever.”

“Nor I you.” Spock’s head lifted and he tightened his hold on Kirk’s hand. “One never knows; perhaps, someday, we shall meet again. Perhaps serve on the same ship.”

Kirk smiled. “I’d like that.”

“Come.” Spock stood and pulled Kirk to his feet. “Let us wait on the porch.”

The walked outside and stood, side by side, along the front railing. The day was warm but a soft breeze blew through the verandah, so Kirk wrapped his arm around Spock’s waist and leaned into the returned embrace.

They spoke little. Everything had already been said and Kirk wasn’t so sure he could have spoken, anyway. What few words he did speak where forced past the knot in his chest and the tightness in his throat. At those times, he would strengthen his hold and bury his face against Spock’s neck. Sometimes, he would feel Spock’s lips press against his forehead in return. The minutes passed, too quickly, and only when they saw the taxi take the turn onto the road leading to the house did they draw apart.

Spock picked up his bags from where he’d placed them near the steps, propping one under his arm, and walked down into the yard. He turned and raised his hand, fingers parted. “Live long and prosper, James Kirk.”

Kirk swallowed. “You, too, Spock,” he managed to croak.

The Vulcan stood silently gazing at him until the taxi had pulled up onto the driveway. Without a word, he boarded the waiting vehicle. Then he was gone.

Kirk watched the receding taxi until it was out of sight. When he could manage it, he turned and went back into the house, closing the door quietly behind him.

^^^^^

 

Epilog:

Spock pulled the sleeping man in his arms closer. Though Kirk had fallen asleep at the end of their lovemaking, Spock had remained awake to relish the rebirth of their aborted relationship.

So many years would pass before the boy he had left that day would walk back into his life. Spock had feared his new captain would not remember or, worse, wish their time together had never been. But then Kirk had smiled at him and Spock knew that he did indeed remember. Remembered and cherished those few days of youthful passion.

Two more years would pass before they would find their way back to each other. It had been a long, sometimes lonely journey for both but the seed that had been planted during their time together had finally been allowed to bear fruit and flourish. Admiration, friendship, love, all they once had roared back a thousand fold as they learned each other anew. When freed of the woman chosen for him, Spock’s mind and body had reached for that which it had always desired. Kirk had been there waiting.

Spock smiled. This night had been so much more than anything they had had before. Kirk’s body, lush and eager, had welcomed him in, the snug channel closing around his organ with each thrust; Kirk’s mind, keen and dynamic, had enfolded Spock’s in its sheltering embrace, surprising Spock with its benevolent dominance. When they had finally settled into sleep, there was no question they’d each formed a lifelong addiction to what only the other could give them.

Spock had always known it would be thus; the occurrence at the water’s edge, as disturbing as it had been, had been a bittersweet harbinger. Spock had never been certain what had caused his reaction the day they had almost become one, why his mind had responded so violently when he’d moved to breach Kirk’s body, but he had his suspicions. His desire had been so profound for that one act that it could have brought his shields tumbling down, allowing awareness of it through the link. If that had been the case, T’Pring’s response would have been swift and sure. If not, his guilt over what he perceived as an act of betrayal would have been strong enough to create such a reaction.

He turned to nuzzle into the human’s sweet-smelling hair. Always, that scent had remained strong in his memory. As he had known he would, he had found himself digging deep, to that well-hidden and secure place in his mind where Kirk dwelled, to relive their time together and remember the extraordinary youth he had given his heart to. Kirk’s taste, the feel of Kirk’s skin sliding against his own and, especially, the fragrance which was uniquely Kirk’s, helped Spock rebuild the picture of Kirk’s form and the indomitable spirit it held.

There had been few others for him in the intervening years; Spock had seen no logic in turning to yet another he could not have. Yet, he had been delighted to learn that had not been the case for Kirk. His captain had tasted life to the fullest, had loved and been loved. There had been rejection and heartbreak; yet Kirk had persevered, so that the man who had come to Spock’s bed this night knew exactly who and what he wanted. He wanted Spock. Forever.

“Go to sleep, Spock. We’re on duty in the morning,” Kirk mumbled as he turned in Spock’s arms and resettled with his back pressed against Spock’s side.

“Momentarily, Jim.” Spock forbore from mentioning that “morning” was less than an hour away.

He followed Kirk over so that their bodies were again snug against each other. Lacing his arm through Kirk’s he took his lover’s hand in his.

Spock felt a swell of contentment and satisfaction he found hard to contain as he recalled his words to Kirk so many years before. First attempt. Perhaps. But none could say they did not get it right the first time. They had had their trial run; further testing was unnecessary.

 

Finis


End file.
